Lady Lumps With Bumps


parenting, sobriety / Tuesday, January 2nd, 2018

if you

I found a lump in my left breast.

I’m not worried, but it is a lump. My adorably worrisome husband is very concerned. I get it though; one time he pretended to be asleep on the couch, I thought him to be dead and began sobbing in the middle of our living room. I get it, it’s a lump. But like I mentioned, I’m not worried.

However, worried or not, when one finds an odd lump in their left breast, one’s thoughts presumably turn to breast cancer. Of course I’ve felt it over and over. Of course I’ve checked both sides to make certain that it isn’t a normal occurrence. Nonetheless, plain as day it’s there, and I’m left pondering breast cancer.

My husband said something interesting, “Wouldn’t this be my luck, our lives are too perfect.” And he’s right, our lives are too perfect.. Too lucky, too blessed. It’s like the stars have aligned for us since the night we first met. Life isn’t supposed to be this easy, is it? Maybe this is it; this is our struggle, our hurdle. These are the fights we never have and the difficulty trying to conceive. This is our financial struggle, our streak of bad luck. Something’s bound to happen.

I found a lump in my left breast; really, I’m not worried.

And now, here I sit, one of the last nights of 2017, contemplating breast cancer. Which leads me to consider my death, which brings me to a mess of random thoughts. A mess of random thoughts that I shouldn’t even entertain because I’m honestly not even worried…

Will my sister be alright? Will she carry out our plans and conquer the world for me? My brother, will he remember me as the woman I am today? Have I made him proud, or does he still see me as that broken girl embarrassing our family? Have my parents forgiven me? Do they know how thankful I am for them, how their support kept me alive?

Will my boys remember me? If I died tomorrow will they grow up thinking of me? Have I imprinted on Emerson’s soul in the short five months we’ve spent together?
And Watson, have I left a deep enough impression? Have I taught him to always sway to the music, and to say please and thank you? Have I shown him how to smell the flowers and instilled the desire to consistently search for the moon? Will he remember our secret adventures and dates; or instead, will he remember the times I shouted in frustration or ignored him for my phone? Will he forever call me mommy and talk to me even though I’m not there? Will he share me with his Brother, tell him that I was beautiful and fun?

 

And my husband, my perfectly perfect husband.

Does he know how much I love him? Have I said it enough, or worse, have I said it too much? Have I said ‘I love you’ so often that the words have lost their meaning? Does he know that he’s my world? Have I shared with him all of my secrets and told him how grateful I am for him? Told him that he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, that he’s helped me grow into a woman that I never dreamed of. Does he know that I truly think he’s the sexiest man around, that I could watch him do anything? That my laughs are always genuine and that sometimes I try to breathe him in. Will he remarry? I hope that he would, yet, I wonder if he’ll love her more than me.

I found a lump in my left breast. I’m not worried; however, now I’m sitting here reflecting on my life. Was I kind enough, did I do enough good deeds? Do those I hurt and let down, know how truly sorry I am? Have I touched lives? Inspired anyone? What am I leaving behind?? There aren’t really any skeletons in my closet, nothing to be ashamed of once I’m gone… Yet, have I done enough? Laughed enough, loved hard enough, lived kindly enough??

I found a lump in my left breast, but I’m not worried.

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Thanks for letting me share xox